boyz 'n stuff

Boys are so cute sometimes. I can't stand it. I saw the cutest boy today after i did the radio show, him and his friend were standing in for their friend's show that's normally after the one i did. HE WAS TEH CUTEST! I touched his head accidentally when he was plugging something in when we were finishing up and then i said sorry and tossled his hair again just cause i couldn't help touching. I felt very stupid. I was like uhh sorry you don't know me and i'm touching your head. He was so pretty. I am so awkward.

So the radio show was pretty fun. Tehila listened! It was exciting. We had a nicole vs nicole segment cause the co-host's name was nicole also. And she was really cool and mentioned how she was gonna do a show by herself next semester and said i'm welcome to do it with her and ahhhhh it'd be awesome. We'd have the nicole, nicole thing going for us. Adorable. I'm on hold with friday's back at home now. They better not fuck me over like Damon's did or all those kinda restaurant chains are going down. Well Damon's were jerks to me and now they're going out of business. I may or may not have had anything to do with that. So don't say i didn't warn you.

sometimes

i like crying at times. it's a nice[kinda?] reminder of how we feel. more people definitely need to cry more often. they need that reminder way more than i do. times are strange. but maybe they aren't, and things prior have been strange. we'll never know. i don't know if i can do this anymore.

i think i have a fever. i feel...feverish. and achey all over.



Our heads, our hands, our brains, our lungs: they're just machines.


i refuse to believe that.

could it be..

the dawn of a new era? only time will tell, but i have hope.

sigh of relief?

I don't know what's been going on lately. This constantly having something to do and never finishing everything is leaving me hollow. It is exhausting and never satisfying. I lost my internet connection this week because i'm a fool and downloaded too much outside of the rutgers network. Oh well, such is life. Right now, I sit at my little cubicle of a desk at work and pretend that i'm doing what i'm supposed to be. What a faker i am. This is a much more constructive use of my time in my opinion though. I need to fucking take a moment out of this week and just sit and write. I guess a lot's been going on. Just haven't had time to process it all. Friday i went on a pretty crazy trip. I was so looking foreward to it and excited about it being a beautiful day but then Michelle was crying and I was just doing a lot of observing because I felt like i had nothing to say that really held any real meaning. And it just got increasingly sadder how we can never understand each other. Yes, we say we understand but there's no possible way to be sure all of our life is lived subjectively. And just lonliness in general. I cried because i have these wonderful people in my life and there are so many people out there who have no one. No family, no friends, nothing. It was all very draining. And then i didn't even get to see the fireworks i was so looking foreward to. But i saw eric kopp, that was nice. I really wanna visit ithaca so bad. I feel like i'd love it. Ugh still so much work to do. End not in sight. Oh well. And i completely got ahead of myself last post. I'm embarrassed i even wrote about it. And now i see that all these people have blogs?? That's cool though. I'm glad i think it's a great way to stay in each other's lives.

So frankie officially got in to Rowan. Woooo frankie, i knew he would. I told him congrats last night and he was like i miss everyone already. :( It'll be okay though. I'm looking foreward to winter break. Fast forewarddd. Time's a scary thing.

he loved my feet, i loved his hands

Well i was going to start this blog last night around 2am and i had a lot to say about who knows what anymore. Yesterday was not at all what i was anticipating. I was very looking foreward to it because it was my grandma's birthday and we were gonna go out to eat and we never go out to eat. But then my grandma wasn't feeling well so we just chilled at her house and ordered pizza which wasn't too bad but disappointing none the less. Then after that I went home and chilled with my family, cut my sister's hair, showered, and watched 21 finally. Jim Sturgess, so sexy. I ended up driving back to rutgers around 1 which was super late because i thought i was going to hang out with paul and dan and rebecca and them but yeah. So i get back here and i was told i was going to get a call which i did get eventually but around two thirty haha. But i'm glad to say it was worth the wait. I haven't seen paul since Chris Beears' party which was like over two months ago. But yeah, we hung out, his arms around me. I met his friends from ireland who were pretty awesome, and we watched across the universe. During the movie he played with my ear and kissed my forehead, my nose. And after a little we both just looked at each other and was like hm, i don't know anything about you. So we discussed nationalities, favorite colors, shoe size hah stuff along those lines. I'm totally blanking but i think he said his mom is Brazilian and she speaks portuguese and he can speak a little, so naturally i told him to say something to me. And he did and it was great and he didn't want to tell me what it translated to but then he did. He had called me beautiful. Around six o'clock we decided to come back to my apartment for reasons i'm not too sure about but i guess just to see the place and talk more. So he came back and i made him a cup of coffee and we talked about school, life, our dreams and stuff like that. We even danced in my kitchen a little. He had to go back to rebecca's apartment though because they were all leaving at nine to take their Irish friends to the airport and stuff. It was sad to see him go. I told him to live with me, haha we hardly know each other, this is the first day we actually spoke and stuff. I feel silly how my heart's ballooning when i think about this. That's kind of a dumb way to put it "ballooning" but it describes the feeling perfectly; it's expanding in my chest.

swollen and small is where you'll find me now

So yeah, I hate it when i get all whiney. I gotta stop that. I'm feeling better now. NMH is probably my favorite band. I can listen to In An Aeroplane Over the Sea forever and ever. I was being so dumb last week. I need a change. A physical change. I think i really need to cut my hair. I'll be very sad though. But it'll be symbolic of a new era. Lol, i'm really silly. I also need to get my act together. So much work to do. Research paper. Tehilaaaaa i need to talk to you about it. Maybe i'll give you a call. Bah i wanted to have a sleepover last night since my first class for today was cancelled cuz of the jewz<3. So i wanted michelle but she couldnt come so i invited frankie and brett bc i know frankie doesn't have class and brett's first class is like at 3 so i thought it was a nice idea and we could cook pancakes in the morning and have coffee and yeah. But brett was like you should just come home. And i got really angry. Because wtf, i was justttt! home and i'm going to be home this weekend also. Idk, i'm not going to invite them over anymore though. Fuck that. And after this weekend i'm not going to come home for a while. Or at least not come home unless i have to for a concert or something. I need to give them a chance to miss me. But there is the possibility that they just won't miss me. That would be depressing. I guess we'll just have to see. I miss everyone. I know there are people out there who are similar to my friends and me and we'd click but I can't seem to find them and if i do find them I don't know how to befriend them. I need to get more involved. Join a club or something. I'm such a waste. :(

This week sucked. Hectic. Busy. It ruled cause why? was on wednesday but besides that blech. Four pages due monday and i hardly know the topic. Today is my first ever party. We'll see how that goes. I'm feeling pessimisstic. I wish michelle was coming. :[ But Tehila and Emily are! So that's good. I miss sanfrankidz. ughhhhhh.


i want a boyfriend.

life doesn't stop for anyone

School is so soon. I am so tired. I really need to get more prepared for school. Ugh those mother fuckers at fridays only gave me one day for my last week. I want to kill them. Such complete and total bullshit. Whatever they can go fuck themselves. Sorry, i'm just so mad about it. Whatever. I need to look for a way to get a parking pass for my apartment. And i need to pay for school. I'm already so late. This is awful. I just had a cigarette and got the mail. I don't think any one has gotten it in weeks. No one gets the mail because it's full of bills we can't and won't pay. I'm extremely hot and just frustrated sometimes. I avoid things too much...hm where do i get that from? Oh well. Life doesn't stop for anyone.

Well today was kind of stupid. Nothing special, mostly boring. Oh well i forgot i went thrift store shopping with tehila so that was pretty nice. She got a cute jacket and mad books and i got a cup, a candle, a cool scarf and a book. But yeah so after that it got dumb. I just sat around all day but at least i ordered my new phone. I hope i don't hate it so much. But idk i think i'm going to think of this radical change in my every day life metaphorically. Or just make it more of a big deal and link it to this new school year and how people are leaving and you just need to embrace change blahblahblah. Whatever, it's all inevitable. Or so we're all told. My roommate doesn't seem to be the friendliest of people. I'm trying to talk to her and stuff and i normally have the last word in when i'm trying to make conversation. Or at least spark some sort of interest. I don't know, it's not like i want to be bff at all but whatever. I'm just iffy on this vibe i'm getting. Even though i really don't have much to go on but i still feel eh. And school is sooooo soon. I have to move in on the thirty first; it's the thirteenth already!! I also need to put in my two weeks at work. I really liked Friday's. I feel weird about being transfered though. I'm scared to have a job during school. Speaking of, i need to find out about purchasing a parking pass. I'm also scared to have my car at school. Part of me feels like i won't go through with it, but the other part of me feels like i need to go through with it. Also, my feelings are not so sure how they're doing towards a certain person. I kind of want him for more but then again i really don't want him for anything serious. So conflicted. And i really do not know how he feels towards me. Because sometimes he seems like he loves me and then other times he can be so indifferent it completely throws me off. I really do want to talk to him. Our last talk is in total opposition to his actions as of late. If i attempted to have another talk I'd be a little, strike that, a lottle scared as to what he would say. I don't think i'd be happy with either way it could go. Also i have no idea where i stand on the whole thing so i wouldnt know what to say or where to begin. I really am such a wishy washy prick. If he said he <3s me and wants to be together, i'm pretty sure i'd say no because school's around the corner and if he said more of that let's not live in the past b.s. i'd be sad. I also really really reaaaally miss amanda and andrew. I don't like that i have to say amanda and andrew and madden. I'm not used to it and i've decided i'm just not gonna say it. It's nothing personal, i just can't process more than those two. And now i've got two psychadelic drugs i've been chasing after for months and months and i don't know what to do with them. What a confusing time. What a confusing age. July was better.

Hm, felt like i'd try something new. Not to sure how much i'm going to keep up with it though. I guess i've outgrown xanga.